The Question of the Exes….

So this topic came up in conversation today, and it’s been on my mind.  I’ve always found this debate to be quite interesting.

So the topic is that of the exes….ex-boyfriends and girlfriends that is.  More specifically, when you enter a relationship, what happens with your friendships with exes?

Do you toss your exes to the wayside when love enters your life?

All the times that I’ve heard this debate, I’ve heard two basic arguments:

1)  Exes cannot be friends.

Exes are exes and that’s that.  They are too be left on the battlefield of love.  They are casualties of a messy war of meeting, and flirting, and all the things which relationships entail.  Unlike the code of honor of our armed forces, you do leave these men and women behind.  Furthermore, it is argued that to remain friends with exes is disrespectful to the person you are currently involved with to have these connections from your past still prevalent in your life. To be friends with an ex means that there is some connection which you are unwilling to alleviate, and that in itself is a bad thing.

– or –

2) Not being friends with any of your exes just seems kind of weird

Now of course, there are some people which we date, that when the smoke clears, you pray to the heavens that you never again will hear their voice, or see their face, etc, etc, etc.  However, if this is every single relationship you’ve been in….I would dare to argue that there is something wrong with YOU! In the escalation of connections between people that go from friends, to a little something more, to lovers, it only seems natural that with some of these people, at least some, you will form connections that transcend failed attempts at romanticism, and the burning coals of passion simmer into something much more sustainable…true friendship.  A friend who knows your thoughts, and dreams, and your inclinations, and how dumb you look in the morning with bed head and sleep in your eyes.  Beyond that, it just seems strange that someone will see you in the most compromising of positions (multiple, sometimes as many as 4 or 5 a day) and after all that, you two just never speak again.


Of course this is a tricky situation.  There is tons of gray area.  Of course in some situations there may be lingering feelings, or exes ( and hell, friends for that matter) who can’t respect the boundaries of your newfound “status”…but is there room for compromise?  Or, much like so many areas of dating, and love, and intimacy, and passion, and affairs of the heart…is this an all or nothing deal?

Where do you fall in on this topic?


4 thoughts on “The Question of the Exes….

  1. Hey D, I read this post and almost immediately knew what I was going to say.

    For me, there are some ex’s that do fall by the wayside, the ones that I tried to date, and feel that connection, and just didn’t – and when we’d break up, we just found it better to stop the communication. There are those that I tried to keep as friends, because they weren’t BAD boyfriends, but somehow they faded away naturally. I find that those that faded did so, because whatever we had was not meant to go further than that.

    Then there are the few that I had friendships with before we dated. For whatever reason I didn’t dive into the relationship – whether they had someone else, weren’t ready, or wanted to get to know me (or vice versa), and whether or not they were 7 years, off and on, or a short exciting love – they are still my friends now, and I fight for them.

    No current bf/gf is going to like all, or any, of the ex’s – there will always be the jealousy of them knowing you before they did… in all those compromising positions. But for me, there are only three, over time, that I find I’ve stayed friends with. They are worth it, they are good people, they’ve shared alot with me – helped me with things, watched me change and grow, and they come with me – as friends… whether the bf likes it or not. 🙂

  2. This is deed a controversial topic. My honest opinion is that it depends on the individuals capability to let go. For years and even now (based on a very recent conversation), friends and associates thought I was “weird” for not being friends with an ex. So… I’ve tried to be friends with a couple of my ex’s, and it just didn’t work out. I analysis a few reasons why it didn’t work. (1) I still felt like we were together. Moreover, I felt that it was a possibility of feeling and emotions resurfacing. For example, an ex would talk to me about going out on dates. I always felt jealous and anxious. It always felt awkward. (2) If I was deeply in love with that person, and/or we had amazing chemistry. It was extremely for me to let go. Even if I had moved on to someone else. The mist of the relationship we had still lingers.

    I do agree with Chrissy. There is nothing wrong with most of these ex’s. However, letting go has always been the immediate problem for me. Occasionally, I might have one ex or two thats on a personal vendetta.

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