Love is a many splendored thing. Love is a phenomenon that can affect human beings without rival. Love can take us to the highest highs, and the lowest lows of the human experience.
At this point, I’m at a low. I rarely talk about myself when it comes to matters of love. There’s something scarily compromising about opening up about our personal feelings, our personal lives; it’s akin to prostrating oneself before another man, an ultimate symbol of submission and humility. Those words are scary, and we often have trouble, at least in my opinion, with facing up to them.
I can freely say that I have no one to blame but myself.
Love is strange. Not to be understood…simply witnessed in all of its ethereal beauty. When we have the opportunity to look at love from a third party perspective, it often seems unreasonable, and often times silly. But, to be in the grips of love. The feeling is without description, and the chance in perspective brings with it a sense of reason, and purpose, and all the pleasantries which men have spent centuries documenting and reveling in.
I recently found myself in the grips of love. It was enchanting. Enlightening and nourishing. The other side of the equation was a woman I’ve known for years.
Beautiful, intelligent, driven, ambitious, sassy, dangerously honest. I remember when it dawned upon me that she had all the traits that I could hope to find in a partner. While we’d attempted at romantic relationships, we were both too guarded, and unwilling to open up our hearts to the other. And then, that all just seemed to change.
We both agreed that a quote I came across described things perfectly:
“Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and blows up the bonfire.” — Francois de La Rouchefoucauld
However, that all came to a swift end. We often crack jokes on each other. As we always say “it’s just what we do.” Well, in a conversation in which she was calling to check up on me, I made what I felt was a small, silly joke. It dealt with a point of contention from our past, and I assumed, or perhaps foolishly hoped, that we were past it. But I was wrong. I certainly didn’t expect her to react as strongly as she did.
I apologized profusely. In retrospect, yes, I made a dumb mistake. But…hmm…I suppose there aren’t any buts sometimes.
As she said finally, in our last conversation, “There’s nothing left to say.” Those are the kind of words we often dread hearing.
As we ride the rollercoaster of love, I suppose there are tons of proverbial pitfalls to avoid. You can’t say too much, nor too little. If there is a history, sometimes there are things that need to be reconciled. But, the point of love is that it’s all worth it in the end. The idea of spending days, nights, years, a life, with that person who makes you feel like a child in the sun….is there anything better? However, much like any rollercoaster, as quickly as you can hit your peak, you can hit your lowest point. I suppose that’s why we often refer to love as fickle.
In addition, there’s always the strange phenomena of the people we love. The instances when we wished a certain person loved us, but they don’t…those instances when someone else wishes we loved them, but we don’t…..perhaps that is why it’s so miraculous when all of these things fall together as two people find the deepest of desires within each other.
And when it all ends…how do you pick up the pieces?
I suppose I’ll spend some time reflecting. Any moment in life can be a learning experience if we allow it to be, and I feel that I have a lot to learn. Point 1) Keep my mouth shut! Anyway, as I don’t have the usual people and places of comfort to turn to, I suppose I’ll find new ways to deal with the sadness I’m feeling right now. I’ll take some time to open my mind, and my heart, to the world, through literature, and work, and self reflection. In the end, I know that I’ll come out stronger on the other end. Unfortunately, I won’t be coming out with the person I want to be with. But what can you do, right?
Below is a video of one of my favorite poets, Shihan, describing love, and I think of all the descriptions I’ve ever heard, his is right on the money.
I thought I’d found that crazier than crazy can get type love. Well, maybe in the future.