So what can I say about the world ending….within the next 24 hours. Now, I remember the whole Y2K thing. I also remember thinking,
“All these problems with computers and electronics are plausible, but so the f**k what, people lived without computers and electronics for eons. We can go a few days till they get everything all figured out and get the ball back rolling. If they don’t? Well great, then Donald Trump and I will be sitting at the same Net Worth and people like me may have a chance in this god forsaken world!”
Now, years later, once again the end of civilization as we know it is upon us. Now, what troubles me most about this news is the fact that media outlets, supposedly respectable and professional media outlets, are giving some joker and his cronies the light of day on television to espouse their predictions on the end of the world.
So yeah, call me a naysayer. If the end of the world is coming, I don’t think it’s gonna be predicted by some old man who looks like a lush in a bad suit. Furthermore, I think every media outlet who has given this joker the time of day should form a line to the left so I can put a boot to your a**.
However, on this most auspicious occasion, I have decided to look at the situation as it stands, my disgust with American news media withstanding, with a completely different view: What if the world does end in 24 hours?
Hmm…well, I think the first bad thing I could say is that I would die in Tok Alaska. Now, this is a swell place and all, but if I must breathe a last breath, and see a last sight, I don’t want it to be those damn mountains outside the window.
So, what would I do, as the news spread like wildfire that some worldwide conflagration of earthquakes is approaching, and the hours are counting down. Hmm…my thoughts?
1) SEX – I don’t think I need to explain this one.
2) Booze – I think the end of the world would be much easier to face with a complete fog of alcohol covering my brain. I think I would couple this thought with point #3.
3) Crime – For once, I would break the law. I’ve always been the nice guy, and I’ve always done the right thing. I would loot a little bit, and I would break a lot of glass. I’m thinking something along the lines of stealing a bunch of alcohol, and breaking a bunch of stuff in the process. Now don’t confuse this with the possibility that I survived, and found myself living in a post-apocalyptic dystopia. In that case, I’d be the lone traveler with the heart of gold, who tries to save everyone he comes across, and kills all the bad guys in his path (ala Book of Eli).
4) Sex – yes, men have one track minds, and some things you just gotta repeat.
Well, fiction is fun, but I always find non-fiction so much more enlightening. If some great event did come which threatened life as we know it, I would simply blame this religious zealot schmuck I keep seeing all over the place, for being involved in some ultimate conspiracy with the republicans to snuff out my life.
SCREW YOU GOP!!! YOU’LL NEVER GET ME!!!!!
And with that, I shall go back to my movies, and wait for the great rapture to come tickle me.
By the by…here is a great editorial on the topic:
MAY 21, 2011: THE END OF THE WORLD?