Finding vision through equilibrium.

As I type this, I’m sitting in front of a large set of windows.  The sun is dancing across the sky, clouds are billowed up in fantastic patterns, and the snow capped mountains are visions of beauty.

It took an intersection of several moments to come to this moment.  To see the beauty of this moment, and to find it significant enough to want to put my thoughts here.

But to make a long story short, this weekend is the first time in a while in which I’ve felt that I’ve found equilibrium.

I often use that word, because many years ago, I reached a point in my life where things just seemed bleak….worthless.  Days become night, and eventually I came to conclusions that included that life might not be worth living.  And then, a wise man said to me “When things seem their darkest, it’s simply your mind telling you that it needs to find equilibrium.  Balance is something we all need. Balance is divine.”  He then told me that when things seemed bad, I needed to find ways to find equilibrium.

Over the years, I’ve found many ways…some good, some bad, some productive, some destructive, and through trial and error, I found ways to give myself much needed balance.

Now, the downside of living in a rural place…is that most things I would use to find balance, aren’t at my disposal.  When things become clouded, I find myself thinking “Well, I would normally take a long night walk in downtown…getting mugged I can deal with, but getting attacked by a bear, or wolves?”  Or the many late night outings to movie theaters to see random movies, not out of a unique desire, but because opening my mind to something foreign, and new, would take my mind off the same old s**t that was pressing upon me…”  Going to an insightful and exciting jiu jitsu practice, getting my butt handed to me, abeing covered in sweat, barely able to breath, dragging yourself up off the mat for a drink of water, only to know you gotta do it again for another 5 minutes…

Here….here I have netflix.  I have my books.  I have a few friends whose company I uniquely enjoy, but you just have those times when you need solitude.  Here…solitude allows the mind to wander, and to spin…

But over the past few days, I found that feeling again.  That feeling of finding balance.  Particularly, today while spending time with some new friends.  Karen and Leroy are a couple, older than myself, who, through mutual acquaintance, have invited me into their homes, and their life, and with whom I’ve been able to find a connection.  I love hearing their stories. Laughing and talking over tea.  I haven’t had grandparents in years.  Yet, when they were here, interacting with them was much like Karen and Leroy.   Leroy taught me how to run a sawmill today.  That was really cool.  It was fun, and physical, and oddly relaxing…and productive.  As we worked, I thought to myself, “Have you ever built anything of material value? Anything that will physically endure time?”  It’s a strange feeling to be in the midst of a process that you know will eventually become something that someone will use.  I loved it.  I even bounced on a trampoline with a bunch of kids.  Allow me to say; that was scary, and tiring, but wholly awesome.

And once I found equilibrium…balance…I noticed everything around me.  The beauty of the sun as it dipped lower in the sky.  The silent serenity of the mountains as light danced over the million flakes of snow, creating a breathtaking color scheme.  The billowy clouds, and the unique shapes as they moved swiftly across the sky.  The deep green of the trees as they danced to and fro in the strong breeze of the wind.  The smell of nature, and life around me, as I sat outside for a moment and just admired it all.

Once we are able to find clarity and balance, we are able to see the beauty that abounds around us every minute of every day.  We can see it in nature, we can see it in those around us, and occasionally, we can see it within ourselves.   Through balance, I found vision, and through vision, I was able to find joy.  I suppose that is the way life works.  My life at least.  two more weeks until I get back to Chicago.  I won’t miss this place, but when I return to it, I’m hoping its with greater ability to find balance, and beauty in all that it has the offer, the people which it presents, and quite possibly, myself.
~DM

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